Tag: Humor

Scamps, Ramp Scallions and ne’er-do-wells are all of sanguine temperament. It is not recommended to sleep in the same room with anyone who is a sanguine: He’ll tell you jokes all night, and if he does not know any jokes, he will criticize his relatives or else tell lies. He will die of a disease of the digestive system and premature burnout.

It sounds like a section from your newspaper’s Astrology section, which has a zodiac feel to it, doesn’t it?. Prepare to be surprised by Chekhov’s humorous take on human temperaments in his short story The Temperaments. First published in September 1881 in the Journal The Spectator, it is now available as part of a short story collection called ‘Prank’ published by The New York Review books translated by Maria Bloshteyn.

Temperaments: Quotes from the story

Chekhov has divided human temperaments into four major categories – Sanguine, Choleric, Phlegmatic, and Melancholic – further bifurcated into male and female varieties. The result is a hilarious account of all sorts of personalities.

Here are a few excerpts from his classifications-

Sanguine male, for example, is constant in his inconstancy. He is rude to teachers, doesn’t get haircuts, doesn’t shave, wears glasses, and scribbles on walls. He gets married by accident.

Sanguine females are the most bearable of the women, at least when not stupid.

Choleric Male is bilious with a yellow-gray face. The nose is crooked, and the eyes go around in the sockets like hungry wolves in their narrow cage. He is easily annoyed. If the howling of a cat disturbs him, he orders a servant to climb on the roof and strangle the creature, come hell or high water. He will die of consumption or of liver disease.

A Choleric female is a devil in a skirt.

Phlegmatic males think that it’s a pity that children aren’t beaten at school and don’t mind administering a good beating themselves. Only when selected for jury duty, does he fall sick.

Phlegmatic female looks like a sack of flour and is born to become a mother-in-law. That’s her life’s ambition.

A Male melancholic is ever ready to shed a tear. He is prone to hypochondria. Long ago, he decided that the doctors didn’t understand him. He suspects every dog of having rabies. He groans and moans day and night; that’s why sharing a room with him is not recommended.

A Melancholic female is an impossible restless creature.

Temperaments: Review and My Thoughts

Now you might have a go at the story (and I highly recommend that you do), and think it is a load of baloney. 

You would be right, most of it is, but you would probably be surprised to know that there is a proto-psychological theory of Four Temperaments, which is what seems to be an inspiration for this little nugget. 

Funnily enough, to cast a funny shadow on it, Chekhov even called his story The Temperaments (based on the latest scientific findings). A clever writer that he is, he used plenty of other elements to keep the account interesting. 

For example, his account of male personalities is considerably longer than the female ones. Now, why would that be?

Female humans are an enigma; why even pretend to understand, eh? 

Full confession: in my teen years (it seems like it was centuries ago now!), I had my fair share of obsessing over the Horoscope section. 

After all, how could I face the brave new world without knowing what my lucky numbers or lucky colors were? Won’t it be a great skill to know that Leos are to be feared for their anger and Cancerians are to be confided in? 

Thankfully, I grew out of my fixation with it, but I do catch myself casting sideways glances on the horoscope section now and then. This story just drilled it further in my being- the ridiculousness of it all. 

Humans tend to generalize things to aid speedy learning, but generalizing to ridiculous proportions does just the opposite.

Our very unique temperaments are a testimony to that.

A Sinner from Toledo, the short story from Anton Chekhov, was first published in late 1881 in an illustrated literary, art and humor magazine called the Spectator. It is now available as part of a short story collection called Prank published by The New York Review books translated by Maria Bloshteyn.

A Sinner from Toledo: Summary and Plot Analysis

The story opens with a proclamation signed by the Bishop of Barcelona asking for the people to report the whereabouts of a witch called Maria Spalanzo, the reward for which would be absolution for their past sins. All of Barcelona, having read the proclamation, initiated a hunt for Maria, but she was nowhere to be found.

Maria Spalanzo happened to be the daughter of a successful Barcelona merchant of French origins and a Spanish mother. She inherited the best qualities of her father and mother – a cheerful temperament and a perfect figure. 

She married a sailor – handsome and supposedly learned- at the age of twenty. They loved each other and lived happily for about two days before fate struck a blow.

On her way to meet her mother, Maria asked a monk for directions. Her beauty in the moonlight was captivating, and the monk immediately thought her a witch and said so. 

Maria laughed it off and carried on her way before she was accosted by him and three other men all the way home. Archbishop Augustine was convinced that the woman was a witch. 

A few days later, Maria’s husband Spalanzo was summoned for an audience with the archbishop. The archbishop declared his wife to be a witch and ordered Spalanzo to turn his wife over. 

Convinced that she was not a witch but not happy about the chances of his argument given any weight vs Archbishop’s, he asked Maria to flee. 

Maria, who had never shed a tear before in her life, cried. 

Spalanzo devised a plan to hide his wife in his brother’s ship until the world moved past their superstition about witches.

Maria, heartbroken about her new fate, soon got used to her life hiding in the ship. Spalanzo came to meet her daily and brought her things that she needed. Everything seemed to be fine until one day, the poster landed in his hands, the poster offering absolution from all sins upon turning in the witch. His resolve to not turn in his wife shook.

He loved his wife – he loved her very much. If not for that love, a weakness despised by monks and Toledan doctors too, he would probably have spoken.

He showed his brother the proclamation and expressed his reservations about giving up all chances of absolution not turning in his witch wife. His brother liked the prospect of absolution very much but didn’t quite want to turn in such a beautiful woman. 

Spalanzo couldn’t turn her in alive, being her husband. So he decided to do what he thought was the next best thing – poisoning his wife to trick those fools into absolving him of all his sins. 

He was forgiven for healing people and studying chemistry and was even given a copy of a book that the archbishop had authored.

In it, the learned bishop explained that it’s because demons are black that demons so often possess black-haired women.

The Archbishop was a very learned man, and he derived the word femina from two words: fe and minus, because incontestably, a woman had less faith than a man.

All Barcelona would be convinced. Every last person! Fools will fall for a falsehood, and the people of Barcelona were fools to a man.

A Sinner from Toledo: Review and My Thoughts

I found the story more disturbing than funny. But then when is the herd mentality not scary? The archbishop concluded that the beautiful and festive Maria was a witch simply looking at her hair colour. 

Maria’s husband knew that she was not a witch and, although he was protective of her and cared for her initially, he couldn’t turn away from the temptation of absolution. 

What was funny and heartbreaking – was the sins he was seeking absolution for – healing and chemistry. And how does he go about getting absolved? By murdering his wife and tricking the archbishop into doing that!

Morality and logic both seem to be missing here.

Superstitions take centuries to fade away. Given how much of it we still have left in our societies across the world- I would say there are plenty of centuries more to go before we are absolved from our superstitions.

Has it ever happened to you that you tipped someone you shouldn’t have tipped in the first place, or that you asked a saleswoman for help who you thought was one, but was actually a shopper like you?

Do you remember the look on their faces when you did that? It’s likely that they stared at you for a whole minute before they went their way, or were they one of those rare quiet angels who just shot you a broad smile and apologized for confusing you.

I am sorry to I made you go down the memory lane, but I promise that you’ll soon know why.

Without further ado Ado, Here is the model millionaire of Oscar Wilde for you.

The Model Millionaire: Summary and Plot Analysis

The story begins with an introduction to Hugh Erskine, affectionately known as Hughes. This guy is so charming that he could pull your socks off, but otherwise he is not very remarkable – neither intellectually nor financially.

He lives on an annual allowance of two hundred pounds from his aunt. He was in love with a beautiful woman named Laura Merton and wanted to marry her.

Laura’s father – a retired colonel, though he loved Hughes very much – would not hear of an engagement until he had ten thousand pounds.

One day, on his way to the Mertons, he stopped to see his friend, a rather strange-looking fellow, but a brilliant painter. His paintings were very much in demand.

Alan was busy painting a beggar when Hughie came into the studio.

Hughie instantly expressed his amazement upon seeing the model but felt really sad for the beggar right after. He asked Alan if a model could make good money for a sitting, and was disappointed with Alan’s answer.

Upon receiving a message that the framemaker had come to see Alan, he quickly excused himself asking Hughie not to go away. The beggar model took this opportunity to get himself some rest. He looked so forlorn that Hughie’s heart filled with pity.

He searched in his pocket, found some money and thought the beggar needed it more than him, quickly went to him and put it in the beggar’s hands. He had to walk home because of this extravagance.

Later that evening he met Alan in a club. He learned that the model had expressed great interest in learning more about Hughes and Laura.

Overcome with pity, he asked Alan if it was okay to give the beggar his old clothes. Alan laughed out loud and told Hughes that the beggar was actually Baron Hausberg, who was one of the richest men in Europe and had to come to Alan to make his own portrait.

Hughes was very embarrassed by the revelation and left shortly afterwards, leaving Alan in fits of laughter.

The next day Baron Hausberg sent a messenger to Hughes. Hughes was convinced that this visit was meant for him to apologize to Baron for this terrible mistake the other day.

Instead, the messenger brought him a sealed envelope.

One with a check for £10,000 in it.

On the outside was this message:

“A wedding present to Hugh Erskine and Laura Merton, from an old beggar.”

The Model Millionaire: Review and Quotes

Cute little story, right?

The story – as simple as it might seem, has one profound lesson- one that you have heard way too often:

Do not judge a book by its cover.

We see a pretty person and we instantly conclude them to be a certain personality (after going past the drooling-over-them stage of course). This story makes you question that.

There are gems lying all around this beautiful story, here are a few that I particularly liked –  

1 – Unless one is wealthy there is no use in being a charming fellow. Romance is the privilege of the rich and not the profession of the unemployed. The poor should be practical and prosaic.

2 – It is better to have a permanent income than be fascinating

Do you remember the book and its cover? Our films and television keep drilling this wisdom into our heads, don’t they?

How often is the millionaire picked up by the charming boy?

For many people, the idea of romance is the perfect holiday in an exotic place, a date in a fancy restaurant, parties in exclusive clubs and the like. Oscar Wilde was quite spot on with his observation back then.

You can’t help but root for Hughes when he shows compassion for the beggar – admittedly he had no fortune or much intellectual capital, but his heart was in the right place.

3 – Poor old chap, how miserable he looks ,But I suppose, to you painters, his face is his fortune?

You artists are a heartless lot.

Compassion and good looks – our Laura Merton hit a jackpot!

4 – The old beggar as you call him is one of the richest men in Europe. He could buy all of London tomorrow without overdrawing his account. 

That sudden twist when the beggar turned out to be a millionaire was an awakening jolt.

The way his richness has been described brought back flashes of The Dark Knight, where Bruce Wayne accidentally walks upon Harvey Dent and his date at a fancy hotel. 

When they were married, Alan Trevor was the best man and the Baron made a speech at a Wedding Breakfast.

Giving the beggar his souvenir prompted Hughes to go home that night, but the next mention of the beggar elicited nothing but sympathy from him. He also offered to give him his old clothes. He tried to help the old man in every way possible.

One thing readily apparent from this is Hughie’s big heart but the other not so plainly seen is that one of the richest men in Europe did not take offence at being given alms. This is what an ideal world would look like.

A world where the rich are not servants of their ego and the attractive people still have their hearts in the right place.

Millionaire Models are rare enough, but, by jove, model millionaires are rarer still.